Planning and a crossroad

If you like super upbeat posts that sugar coat life, you might want to wait for another day to read this blog. If you like the nitty, gritty realness of life, keep reading. This week has been a rough one. I know a couple of reasons why, in retrospect, but I am not sure this explains all of it. So this post may be a lot of rambling...you have been warned. ;)

I didn't plan for anything this week. I am a planner by nature. It is part of who I am and I even have a degree in planning, for goodness sake! For some unknown reason, I didn't plan for this week. No meal plan and no activity plan. It didn't work. Wanna know why??? That's right!! Because I am a planner! So I am getting a jump start on that for next week. Here is my meal plan:
Friday: make your own pizzas
Saturday: Pork tenderloin, Mac n cheese, roasted veggies, dessert pizza
Sunday: brown bag with small group
Monday: Kami's choice
Tuesday: Taylor's choice---Mexican casserole
Wednesday: sandwiches
Thursday: Tim's choice
Friday: Italian chicken strips
Saturday: out
Sunday: Superbowl party with small group

I am really trying to figure out where to fit exercise and Bible reading into my day. I need a set time every day to do the we things, but I just don't know when that is going to be. I think I am going to have to get up early in the morning and go to bed earlier because even though I might stay up late, my brain shuts down about 9:30. So even though I despise mornings with an unrivaled passion, to be the kind of person I want to be, I think me and early mornings are going to have to become friends.

I think something else that might help make my week go smoother is getting all of Kami's clothes picked out for the entire week on laundry day. (which is Monday, btw) I think Making a daily list of everything that needs to be accomplished this next week will be helpful, too. Have I mentioned that I am a planner??

Today: dog groomed, blog, haircuts, CAbi preview party
----yes, I did put things on my list that I have already accomplished so that I could mark them off. I like to see the things that I have done for the day. ;)
Saturday: Taylor's make-up gymnastics, Take kids to Slaton, work on entering clothes for Cradles to Crayons, work on Bible class material
Sunday: Bible class, NAP, small group
Monday: laundry, bows, pick Kami up, work on reading with K, pack lunches
Tuesday: take kids to school, grocery store, drug stores, pick kids up, take K to dance, intro class
Wednesday: finish up laundry, Taylor to gymnastics, make Mexican casserole for Thursday, pick up K, get ready for dance, take K to dance, get kids bathed and fed, Bible class, pack lunches
Thursday: take kids to school, meet friends, meet with small business association people, pick up kids, counseling class
Friday: enter clothes for c2c, bows
Saturday: CHILL OUT, tidy the house for superbowl party

So the planning issue is one of the problems of the week, but not the only one, for sure. I have come to a major crossroad in my life and I am very confused and not just a little scared about what to do next. I started sitting in on classes at TTU this semester and that takes me away from home on Tuesday and Thursday nights. As I was sitting in class last night, I had the "What am I doing here?" thought. I almost just got up in the middle of class and left, but that would have been very rude to the professor who is a friend of mine, and I probably would never have gone back if I did leave. I wasn't quite ready to burn that bridge. But I'm not sure I am ready to cross it, either. I'm not worried about the work load. It will be a lot, I know, but it will be nice to be stretching my mind again. But being away from my kids for at least two, if not three, nights extra every week is a very high price to pay. I also feel very, very out of place in college. When I was getting my undergrad degree, I decided to go down the counseling path instead of the planning path because I really had no desire to work with people who had a lot of money and just didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to work with people like my parents, who were middle class and struggled to make every penny count. I wanted to make life better for people who were trying to figure out how to send their kids to college and still save for retirement and still take a vacation once a year. It wasn't a popular path, especially with some of the faculty, but I had a good, strong group of friends who went down this path with me. So now, starting back in grad school, I am going back to become a professional financial counselor. I don't fit in anywhere. I will only be taking 12 hours out of each of the three areas of study I have chosen for my interdisciplinary masters, so that really doesn't give me time to get to know anyone very well. I was not prepared for what a lonely journey this is going to be. That brings me back to the question I had last night... What am I doing? Is this worth taking two and a half years away from my kids? Can I make it through this time at without a core group of school friends?

Then if I choose not to go to grad school, how will that make me feel about myself and about my kids? There isn't going to be a better to time to go back to school. My kids have lots of activities, but I know it isn't going to slow down until they are both grown and out of the house. It is just going to get worse. But if I don't go, will I have regrets? I really do love financial counseling. I love helping people pull themselves up from their bootstraps and make great decisions that will affect the rest of their lives. But is it worth helping other people at the expense of my kids? Will I resent my kids if I don't go?

I am bawling right now because this has been boiling underneath the surface for a couple of weeks and a here it is all laid out. And I still don't have an answer. I am going to have to give up something really big with either decision. So what am I supposed to do???? Which of these paths do I take? How do I find peace with my decision? I thought once I made the decision to apply to school and once I got in, everything would be peachy keen. So I applied and I got in and it isn't peachy keen. I just don't know what to do. And I don't know how to make this decision.

Tim, as great as he is, doesn't get it. He told me last night that he thinks I am just trying to talk myself out of going to school. That isn't it. It just isn't that simple. Maybe it's a gender difference thing. I don't know. It seems I don't know about a lot of things right now.

Where do I go from here? I just keep going, I guess. I have no idea what decision I will make. The planner in me is not happy about that. I'm scared to make the wrong decision. I am scared to not make a decision. But God doesn't want me to live life like a scaredy cat, so I will make decision. I just don't know how or when.