Friday, November 14, 2008

Time to think

While I was in the car driving to OK for my cousin's funeral, I had a lot of time to think. Actually, I spent a lot of time trying not to think b/c I would keep thinking about how tragic Ashley's death had been and what I was going to face when I got to OK or what I had faced while I was driving home.

But it the in between times, I thought about how fragile our lives on earth are. I thought about how I would feel if it were my kids who we were putting into the ground. Have I loved them enough in the short time I have had them? Have I taken them for granted?

I thought about how sad it is that the last time I saw most of my family was at my great aunt's funeral. I have isolated myself in Lubbock too long. I vowed to make more trips to OK even if it is a horrible car ride b/c my kids scream and cry the whole way. I want them to know my family...their family.

I thought about how death changes people who are left behind. When I saw my cousin, Ashley's dad, in April, he all but ignored me. This time, he hugged me many times and told me that he loved me every time I saw him. I never knew he loved me, honestly. I know that I have always loved him, but in that "he's my dad's brother's son so I have to love him" kinda way. I'm guessing it's the same way for him and his brother, though his brother may not even have that strong of feelings for me. We were never close and it makes me sad now that I'm older. I am going to try to stay in touch with him b/c I think we would get along as friends and not just tolerate each other as family. When I talked to my mom today she said that he was sad he didn't get to see me at lunch today since I left early this morning to come home. It was nice that he missed me. Maybe it means we can be friends.

Mostly though, I'm just sad. I have the overwhelming urge to cry all the time. I have been fighting the tears all day and now that it is night time, I don't know how much longer I can hold them back. I thought I had cried myself out, but apparently I was wrong. I'm not really sure I miss Ashley anymore than I did before, because I hadn't seen her in so long, but I am sad that I know she isn't in our world anymore. I'm sad that she won't get to experience motherhood. I'm sad that my family has an empty spot in it now. I'm sad for Kelly and Carol and Harmon. No one should have to bury their child or grandchild. I'm sad that Kassidi won't have a big sister. I'm sad that I had to say good-bye to my cousin before I got to know her as an adult and as a friend. The last couple of days have been a fog and I don't know when that fog will lift.

Monday, November 10, 2008


Please keep my family in your prayers. My 21-year old cousin, Ashley, was killed in a car accident yesterday. I don't know anymore details than that at this point. We are all still in shock. She was pregnant and her dad was planning to go up to Missouri to pick her up and move her back home to Oklahoma today, so it makes her death even more tragic to me.

I haven't seen Ashley in several years, but I will always think of her as my baby cousin. I was looking forward to getting in touch with her again now that she was going to be a mom b/c we would finally have something in common besides just being family.

My heart is too full to write more now.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Sickness and other stuff

Ok, before I get to talking about the sickness, can I just say, GO RED RAIDERS!!!! They did awesome last week and I hope we can hold on and beat those OSU Cowboys tonight! RAIDER....POWER!! Thanks for taking this picture, Christi!

Sooooo, this has got to be the worst fall we have had as a family as far as sickness goes. I can not keep my family well! Taylor finally started feeling better and Kami started feeling better and then Tuesday morning at about 4 a.m. Kami started throwing up. At 6 a.m. I started throwing up and at 8 a.m. Taylor threw up. ARGH!! Fortunately for Taylor that was about all it was for him, but now he has a cold. Seriously. When is this kid going to get a break?! And poor Kami, she threw up every 30 min for 5 hours. She was feeling better on Wednesday but still wouldn't eat so when she woke up on Thursday she had reflux, ate too fast, and threw up again so I couldn't really send her to school. She cried and cried and cried b/c she missed her friends and her teachers. I threw up for 10 hours plus had other fun stuff to deal with in the bathroom. YAY! Or not so much. I was so out of it. Today is the first day I have felt really good and was so looking forward to going to the Tech game tonight. BUT....

Tim is laying in bed sick. *sigh* I could go without him I guess, but I really, really don't want to. He's hoping he just has what Taylor had and gets over it very quickly. I guess we will know soon.

I also have to say that I have the best mom in the whole world. She dropped everything for us and came as soon as I called her even though she lives 4 hours away and has a life of her own. It was a life saver having her here! I love you, Mama!!!

Last night we had Bible study and it was amazing, as always. I am always so comforted and uplifted by studying God's Word with my friends. We have been studying I Corinthians and while I'm sure I have read I Corinthians more than once, I can honestly say I have never done a study of it and have missed out on so many important lessons. Some of what we talked about last night was about how we have a responsibility to be a good influence, but also to help keep others from sinning by our actions. Also, in chapter 9, Paul talks about supporting those who preach the gospel and it sparked a very interesting discussion about gratitude and how to teach our children gratitude in our society. It has made me rethink my Christmas lists, that's for sure! There are much better ways that our money can be put to use for God than by buying our kids more presents than they can ever enjoy. Another thing that we touched on was in chapter 10 when Paul talks about how God won't allow us to be tempted more than we can bear and that He will always offer a way out of temptation. It made me realize that I don't always look for my escape hatch when I'm being tempted. Sometimes I like to wallow in the temptation and ask why I'm being punished and why I'm not getting my way. Sounds like a bratty kid to me!! So I'm going to try to do better at looking for my way out instead of complaining so much about the temptation.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful week! And WRECK 'EM TECH!!