Time to think

While I was in the car driving to OK for my cousin's funeral, I had a lot of time to think. Actually, I spent a lot of time trying not to think b/c I would keep thinking about how tragic Ashley's death had been and what I was going to face when I got to OK or what I had faced while I was driving home.

But it the in between times, I thought about how fragile our lives on earth are. I thought about how I would feel if it were my kids who we were putting into the ground. Have I loved them enough in the short time I have had them? Have I taken them for granted?

I thought about how sad it is that the last time I saw most of my family was at my great aunt's funeral. I have isolated myself in Lubbock too long. I vowed to make more trips to OK even if it is a horrible car ride b/c my kids scream and cry the whole way. I want them to know my family...their family.

I thought about how death changes people who are left behind. When I saw my cousin, Ashley's dad, in April, he all but ignored me. This time, he hugged me many times and told me that he loved me every time I saw him. I never knew he loved me, honestly. I know that I have always loved him, but in that "he's my dad's brother's son so I have to love him" kinda way. I'm guessing it's the same way for him and his brother, though his brother may not even have that strong of feelings for me. We were never close and it makes me sad now that I'm older. I am going to try to stay in touch with him b/c I think we would get along as friends and not just tolerate each other as family. When I talked to my mom today she said that he was sad he didn't get to see me at lunch today since I left early this morning to come home. It was nice that he missed me. Maybe it means we can be friends.

Mostly though, I'm just sad. I have the overwhelming urge to cry all the time. I have been fighting the tears all day and now that it is night time, I don't know how much longer I can hold them back. I thought I had cried myself out, but apparently I was wrong. I'm not really sure I miss Ashley anymore than I did before, because I hadn't seen her in so long, but I am sad that I know she isn't in our world anymore. I'm sad that she won't get to experience motherhood. I'm sad that my family has an empty spot in it now. I'm sad for Kelly and Carol and Harmon. No one should have to bury their child or grandchild. I'm sad that Kassidi won't have a big sister. I'm sad that I had to say good-bye to my cousin before I got to know her as an adult and as a friend. The last couple of days have been a fog and I don't know when that fog will lift.