It's been a long while in fact. I guess I haven't had the motivation to write. there has been plenty to write about since I am so busy I can barely see straight, but I just didn't feel like writing.
Last weekend I went to a retreat with some old friends and made some new friends and will be bonded to these particular people forever. We share a special experience that no one can understand unless you have actually been through it, called AIM (Adventures in Missions). Anyway, the retreat wasn't really about AIM. In fact, I don't think we ever even talked about it unless we were on breaks and just reminiscing or trying to catch up with each other or about other people we know. The theme of this year's retreat was By His Wounds, My World is Right Side Up. We talked a lot about wounds: how we got them, how they have shaped our lives, and how they define us. We also talked a lot about Satan's attacks. What was very, very interesting was how just about all of our wounds could be boiled down to ONE KIND OF ATTACK. It might have been different for everyone in the room, but Satan is efficient. He just has to use one kind of arrow on me: I feel unworthy of love. That's what it all comes down to. He just hits me with that arrow over and over and over. You aren't pretty enough for people to like you. You aren't smart enough to do this new job. You aren't worthy of love from Christians, b/c they are better than you.
But the fact is, no matter what the worst thing Satan makes me think about myself, it doesn't come close to the truth of how bad I really am. I killed Jesus. I killed the Son of God. It doesn't get worse than that!!!! Here's the really good news, though. Jesus died FOR ME! So when Satan occasionally tries to attack my pride and pump me up, there is no way he can really touch how great I truly am. GOD SENT HIS SON FOR ME!! Someone shared with me yesterday that in Eph. 1:7-8 God tells us that he didn't naively give us grace. He KNOWS me and my faults and He STILL sent his son for me. And Jesus gave up his life for me!!
I started reading the Psalms this week and journaling. That's a big deal for me, so that's a God thing. Anyway, I was reading Psalm 17 and David talks about how he knows that God will show him the path of life. (I'm honestly not sure if he means the path in life he was supposed to follow or the path to eternal life, but I just tried to go with what was running around in my head, so go with me, won't you? ;) ) I started thinking about why I won't let God lead my life.
Why do I need to hold so tightly to my own reins? Because I am afraid.
What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of letting other people down.
Why am I afraid of letting people down? Because if I fail them, they might not love me or like me anymore.
REALLY??!!! So I am afraid to let God lead my life because people might not like me anymore? How does that even make sense?? It doesn't. And that's the point. Satan is so crafty that he has convinced me (and I have let him, in all honesty) that I have to take control of my life so that I can feel worthy. YIKES!!!!
So now what? I don't know the answer. But I know that being aware of my wounds helps me avoid making them bigger. Please pray for me as I continue to discover what God wants for my life and then to actually let go and let Him lead me.
I am a child of God. Jesus died for me. God loves me unconditionally. (I say this to myself many, many times a day to remind me that Satan's definition of me is just not true.)